Orbiting a Black Hole

It is often said that you don’t appreciate what you’ve got until you’ve lost it.

But speaking from experience, for some people, impetuous people like me, unfortunately it is sometimes the only way to drive the message home! but it doesn’t have to be!  I had all the warning signs before me…

In the time immediately before I cheated on my wife, I actually had everything I had ever dreamed of, I owned my own home, my wife loved me unconditionally, my children adored me, and I had a well-paid job but the aching lack of self-worth I had inside meant I still felt it wasn’t enough!  I still needed to stand on stage and be adored because I was so insecure.

Also, I felt like I was a dying star floating around in space, my light fading, I felt the inevitability of failure sucking me in and like that star orbiting a powerful black hole, the pull on my will was just too strong.  In the end I got exhausted fighting it on my own and was dragged into the black hole.  The gravitational pull of sin and temptation was so strong on my life I felt destined to fail for ever!
But then, a few days after I had confessed having an affair to my wife, I had a conversation with a christian colleague.  She asked me, “where are you?”  I told her honestly, ” I feel that I really don’t know! I’m 50/50.  I’m at a crossroads and I could turn either way!”  My colleague, Mary, a wise and compassionate woman who I admired said “well, then I’m very sorry for you!”

As she said those words I had what I call a “God thought”.  My wife describes hearing from God in a really clear and simple way, having a thought that you wouldn’t think of!  This is what happened then!  I heard my inner voice speaking the words from Proverbs 14:12…

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it only leads to death!”  Prov 14:12

I heard that voice, what I believe to be the voice of God, loud and clear in my heart, and it scared me!  Not because I feared his retribution but because I could hear the pain in His voice as He said it, and I decided there and then that I was going to get back to God, at any cost!  I didn’t know then that my marriage was fixable, all I knew was, I needed to get right with God.

In recalling this tale to a friend at a restaurant last night, I got choked up as I remembered the pain I had felt in God’s heart when he spoke to me, so tenderly that day.
That was the day I decided to start following God, whatever the cost.  And that decision that day saved my life!

I don’t know where I would be now had I not listened to that still small voice on that day, but that loving nudge brought me back to the arms of the Father.

I am happy to be writing this as I lay in bed next to the woman I married 16 years ago.  I don’t deserve to be here but a decision I made on that day has ultimately brought me home, to my family!

Son, Daughter, I need you to know that God still lives today! He’s speaking to you right now, calling you to come home! It’s not too late! Receive His love, acceptance and forgiveness.
Thank you for reading,

Bless you!

Phil

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